ru en

What to do about kids fighting

Children's quarrels always upset and throw parents out of balance. To direct children's conflicts in a positive direction, use the advice of our psychologist.

under 8 years

The most important thing to understand is that children's conflicts are normal. In this way, they learn useful skills, and adults are only required to channel the quarrel in a useful direction and help children learn to negotiate with each other, declare what they want, get it, explore each other's boundaries, set rules and much more.

However, conflicts can develop in a destructive direction if there are no rules in the house. Therefore, it is important for parents to create the rules themselves and adhere to them. Your children will argue the way you do.

Basic principles to help a conflict constructively and safely:

Prohibit children from violence and abuse, and never allow yourself. Always apologize for breaking the rules and teach your children to do so as well. You shouldn’t hurt anyone’s feelings, even if you’re very angry.

Do not scold the child for breaking the rules, sympathize with them (or both children), but explain that you need to resolve disagreements only with kind words and without insults.

Explain to the children that they are not fighting each other because they do not love each other, but because they are angry. And that's okay.

Introduce a rule or "game" during which everyone will explain what they are angry about and why. And together, look for a way out of the situation, giving preference to the children's proposals.

If the kids can't stop getting angry, then help them express their anger in a different way:

  • make some noise - shout or play the drums, if it's not too late at night;
  • mold figures of anger from clay and squash them later;
  • dance to energetic music - help negative energy come out.

Draw up the conflict rules colorfully and hang them in a prominent place. The rules can be as follows:

  • Talk calmly about what is needed.
  • Listen to the request of a brother or sister.
  • To understand a brother or sister, put yourself in the place of the one asking.
  • Treat each other with understanding and respect.

Empathize with both sides of the conflict and help them negotiate. Do not command to “love your brother,” but teach empathy. You may notice how upset the children are from each other's phrases, for example, you need to say: “I would also be offended if my brother didn’t given me this car, but let's ask why he doesn't want to share”, “Maybe if you play with it carefully and return it safely, then he will feel better. "

If you need to intervene in the conflict, be calm, your emotionality will not help the children calm down, and may even scare or excite them even more.

Ensure safety - if children fight, they need to be separated. After that, help the children share their feelings and convey to each other why they are in conflict, what is the reason for their disagreement.

And a few more tips:

  • for hungry and tired children, it is better to try to keep them busy until they return to normal;
  • everyone should have their own corner for games, so that they can disperse in different directions if they are tired of each other;
  • do not ignore the fights, talk to the instigator in private about what upset them so much that led to violence.

Remember, children follow your example and fight like you. Be calm and patient and you will succeed.

If you enjoyed this activity, you may also like the following activity, too

By signing up or otherwise using this website, you accept and agree to Terms of Service and Privacy Policy

Content is available for users with Gold status

You can purchase it in mobile applications for iPhone and Android

Paywall illustration